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Waiting at a bus station in Compton, The Bearded Man pondered life, the universe, and everything. It was two in the morning, and he was more than a little scared. A homeless man next to him stared blankly with an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. He seemed to just sit there for hours. Eventually, he turned as if on a mission, and instructed The Bearded Man to light him up while making the gesture of a lighter flicking on. The Bearded Man doesn’t smoke anymore (since he quit being an A&R that is), so he didn’t have any fire on him. Ever resourceful, our hero did 15 backflips in a row on the street, and then held up his shoe to the cigarette. It was so hot from the Olympics-worthy insanity that it lit the cigarette instantly. Yes, a little gross for you and me maybe, but the homeless man didn’t seem to mind. Years later, when it turned out that the man was actually just Steve Ballmer on a bender (hint: not actually homeless), Steve donated a wing of a library to The Bearded Man, which you can still find today.
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