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Which type of sunglasses best articulate: “I’m a badass motherf***er?” The Bearded Man knew this was an important decision as he journeyed on his private jet to Miami. He had ten pairs to choose from. First, there were the aviators. Not bad, not bad. The aviators had a classic look, but were they too cliche? Better hold off on them for a moment, he thought… Then his gaze landed on a pair of 90s glasses that were so stereotypical they looked like they should have been featured in a beach volleyball Zima commercial. “Good, but maybe a little too kitsch.” Also, he didn’t really like Riff Raff, so he thought it better to avoid the association altogether. He then tried on a pair of raver kid glasses, but again, they had been too played out these days. He wasn’t really feeling the PLUR vibe right now anyways, the whole EDM scene was kind of disappointing now. Then it hit him: “I’m wearing a cream colored suit, shiny white shoes, and I’ve got motherf***in gold chains around my neck, with chest hair so thick grizzly bears get jealous! I’ve got a beard so damn tight Zach Galifianakis can’t compete. I’m going full on Scarface, and that’s final.” Not everyone can pull it off, but The Bearded Man can, damnit. The glasses were a gift from Fabrikate, and no ladies could deny that his pimp game was mighty strong that day.
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